Why You Keep Ignoring Emotionally Available Men (and How to Stop Sabotaging Love)
- Laura Lion
- 5 days ago
- 6 min read
You know the story. You're sitting at the bar (or scrolling on Tinder), sighing into your kombucha. "Why are all the good men taken?" Meanwhile, a perfectly kind, rooted and reliable guy with a nice smile asks if he can join you or pops up on your screen, and you literally or metaphorically “Swipe left. Not interested.”
Except... you’re not. Taken, that is. You’re just taken aback by the fact that he’s not 6’3” with a jawline chiseled by the gods and a consulting gig for an eco start-up - and you don't feel the instant spark.
Enter: The 80/20 Rule of Dating
What is it? Studies from dating apps like OKCupid, Tinder, and Bumble have revealed this juicy truth:
👉 80% of women are competing for the top 20% of men.
That’s right. The majority of women filter for the same things—height, income, looks—and inadvertently end up chasing the exact same pool of men, leaving the other 80% of men in digital dust.
This mirrors findings in Dataclysm by Christian Rudder, which showed that women rate most men as below average in attractiveness. In contrast, men’s ratings of women follow a bell curve. Translation? Women on dating apps are disproportionately focused on a tiny pool of “high status” men, while everyday decent guys get swiped into oblivion.
Let’s go visual for a second...
What This Graph Shows
This graph is known as the "Primary Fantasy Dynamic."
It shows two things:
Male Attractiveness (Purple Curve): This curve suggests that men are often judged on status and resources. His perceived attractiveness climbs as his financial situation improves — from "has a bike" at $0, to "has a car" at $150k. There's also the idea that every inch in height is worth around $30K, which reflects the pressure on men to perform materially to be considered desirable. Mr 80% sits somewhere in the middle — a decent man, average looks, decent income — yet frequently overlooked by women chasing the top 10–20%.
Female Attractiveness (Green Curve): Female desirability is shown as peaking at Ms. 100% — often reflecting physical beauty standards like youth, glamour, and Instagram-filtered femininity. Unlike men, women are rarely evaluated on income or status in dating culture — their “value” still too often hinges on appearance.
Why You Don’t Notice Emotionally Available Men (Even When They’re Right in Front of You)
They exist. You’ve probably met a few.
They’re just not dressed in the costume you imagined Prince Charming would wear.
According to evolutionary psychologist David Buss, women across cultures tend to prefer men with status, resources, and the ability to protect. It’s not vanity—it’s biology. But in modern dating, this once-evolutionary preference gets filtered through dating apps and social media, where status signals get... confusing.
If you're only chasing sparks, butterflies, and men who tick every box — the right job, the right shoes, the right words at the right time — you're missing out on the kind of connection that actually makes love last. And let's be real: that spark? That fluttery chaos in your gut?
🚨 What you think is chemistry is often just your nervous system recognising something familiar — and that “familiar” might be chaos, insecurity, or emotional unavailability.
As dating coach Logan Ury famously says:“F*ck the spark.”
The Real Shift: Date differently
Next time you're on a date (or considering one), try this:
Look for something you genuinely like about the man in front of you.
Even if you don’t feel a spark instantly—especially if you don’t. Because that “no spark” moment? That might mean you're finally breaking the cycle of trauma bonding and choosing something healthier.
If by date three you’re still not feeling it, sure, move on.
But something magical happens when you date a guy who’s not your “type.” You stop performing. You stop putting on the nice girl, the cool girl, the sexy girl mask. You start showing up as the real you—and it may be the first time someone has fallen for that version of you.
This echoes David Brooks’ insights in The Social Animal, where he highlights how so much of our romantic behaviour is shaped by unconscious scripts. When we stop performing, we finally give ourselves permission to connect authentically.
Your Spark Might Be Broken
If your well- meaning but slightly faulty compass is always steering you toward emotionally unavailable men, commitment-phobes, or chaotic flings that burn fast and crash hard...
Maybe it’s not the men. Maybe it’s the story you’ve been telling yourself about what love should feel like.
Love doesn’t always start with fireworks. Sometimes, it starts with feeling safe.
Attachment Over Aesthetics
💥 Attachment style is a better predictor of long-term happiness than looks, status, or spark. 💥
If you’ve been nodding along, recognising that you tend to overlook kind, grounded men in favour of more intense, exciting, or mysterious ones… this is where things get real.
Because here’s the deeper pattern:
It’s not just that you're being "too picky."It’s that what you're picking is being shaped by your attachment style.
🔗 What is attachment style, and why does it matter?
Attachment style is your relational blueprint — the unconscious emotional pattern you learned in childhood about what love feels like. It influences not only who you're attracted to, but why you’re attracted to them.
If you're anxiously attached, you're likely to be drawn to people who feel just out of reach. Their inconsistency triggers the hope of finally earning love — which can feel like a spark, but is really your nervous system going into overdrive.
If you're avoidantly attached, someone who is calm, consistent, and emotionally available may feel too close, too fast — and your instinct might be to push them away or look for reasons they’re not “quite right.”
In both cases, a securely attached partner — someone grounded, emotionally safe, and present — often falls under the radar.
Why? Because secure doesn’t trigger your old patterns. Secure doesn’t activate your familiar internal chaos. Secure feels… unremarkable. At first.
So instead, you might find yourself getting caught in a loop of:
“I don’t know, he’s nice but...”
“There’s just no spark.”
“I’m just not feeling it.”
What you’re not feeling isn’t a lack of chemistry — it’s the absence of adrenaline.
And that might be the healthiest thing you’ve never felt.
💡 It’s Not High Standards — It’s Self-Protection
That hyper-selectivity — the ultra-specific taste, the fixation on getting the perfect match who checks every single box — is often not about high standards.
It’s about control.
It’s a way to stay safe. To avoid vulnerability. To unconsciously ensure you never get close enough to someone who could really see you — and possibly hurt you.
So when the man in front of you is emotionally available, grounded, kind, and actually interested... he might not feel exciting. He might not meet your fantasy. He might even make you feel a little uncomfortable — because you’re not performing, and he’s not pulling away.
But that’s the very space where love can grow. Not the fantasy. The real thing.
Let’s Wrap This Up
If you're exhausted by dating but still chasing the same patterns, maybe it's time to swipe differently.
💘 Let yourself be surprised by who love actually wants to come through.
💡 Ditch the spark obsession.
💋 Let attraction grow like a slow burn—not a flash fire.
🪞 And remember: your future partner might not look how you imagined… but he might just see the real you—and love her, fully.
Thanks for reading,
Laura x
If you’re done chasing men who don’t choose you back — and ready to feel magnetic, cherished, and truly connected…
💌 Download my free guide:👉 From Losing Him to Magnetic & Cherished: The 5-Day Feminine Energy Shift
A simple, powerful way to reconnect with yourself — and attract love without performing.
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📚 Sources & Further Reading
Symons, D. The Evolution of Human Sexuality
Farrell, W. The Myth of Male Power
Buss, D. The Evolution of Desire
Rudder, C. Dataclysm
Brooks, D. The Social Animal
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