2013
I was living with my boyfriend. I organized our diaries, gave lists each week of what tasks needed to be done in the apartment, complained when they weren’t done on time (or in the way I needed them to be done) and sometimes even told him how to do them. I rolled my eyes when he said something daft, expressed my opinion if I thought he had done something in a way I wouldn’t have done myself, and tried to help solve his problems, even if he hadn’t asked for advice. I never trained as a project manager but I was doing a pretty good job at it. I don’t believe I consciously realized, but I believed somehow that if I didn’t micromanage our relationship, household and, sometimes him, things would simply fall apart. The role became mothering and although he never said anything and I think on some level enjoyed leaning back and allowing me to take the reins, the damage to the polarity in the relationship got worse and worse over the years. How is it possible to be truly attracted to someone acting in such a controlling way and how was it possible for me to be attracted to someone I was essentially mothering and treating as though they were incapable?
I often felt 1,2 or 3 steps ahead of him. My mind working a hundred miles an hour and often reaching a reasonable solution way before him. I took the space of the masculine and there was little left for him. If he ever tried to take that space I would usually find some way to take it back which was often bordering on manipulative. I knew what to say and how to behave to get my own way and for a man who essentially craved an easy life it became easier for him to cave.
I was a daddy’s girl growing up and rarely heard the word ‘no’ from him. My dad would always want to keep me happy and had a wonderful way of thinking outside the box to make a ‘no’ a ‘yes’ and find some way to please me. A woman who had grown up not used to the word ‘no’ attracted another man who found it difficult to say no to me. I was running the whole show! I felt good because I felt in control. But deep down it was a very unsafe place to be. Making so many decisions about our life, by myself, feeling responsible for everything. I was well and truly in what I now know to be, my ‘masculine energy’. Micro-managing everything. My man was a project.
This was the last long term relationship for 10 years. What followed was a series of short-lived 3-5 months relationships, turbulence, heart-break and conflict. I had no idea how to healthily, calmly and effectively express what I was feeling. My expressions came out as attacks to the other, often because I had taken things too personally. A young abandonment wound created a mindset in me where I felt that everyone was going to leave anyway, so let’s push them to see where the boundary is.
Not there.
Ok push a little further.
Not there.
Little further.
Not there.
Bit further.
They’re gone.
It’s too late.
I wasn’t attracted to guys who would be able to communicate in a mature way with me (because I was not doing it myself). Instead I attracted very argumentative men or ones that would walk out the door at the first sign of unease.
I had done a lot of work on myself; therapy, inner child work, workshops. This helped me to get to know myself better and better over time and to start taking care of my own needs, triggers and wounds. But there was a piece of the puzzle missing.
Then, a few years ago after a particularly painful breakup I discovered Feminine Energy. I was sent a few videos by a friend and my mind was blown open! I realised how I had been getting it so ‘wrong’ all this time, how so many relationships break down because of the mis-polarity in these energies. My life would never be the same again. And all my relationships in life began to change.
I began expressing my true feelings vulnerably instead of pointing blame, sulking, walking away, manipulating, becoming passive aggressive or telling the man how he should/ shouldn’t be. I became more poetic in my expressions instead of just ‘I’m fine’.
I began to trust that he knows best how to live his life; giving space and trust for him to solve his own problems, and opening up space for him to support me in some of my own problem-solving (whilst not being in a space of neediness).
I began to connect more with my younger Laura and body to express when something didn’t feel nice to me (boundaries). To be strong on the inside and soft on the outside.
I learnt how to date, to get myself out there, take messages and lessons from each date and ‘move up tiers’ of compatibility. To use the triggers in dating (disappointment, annoyance) as gifts to work through so that next time I would avoid them (wouldn’t attract them in).
I started to become bored of men who were not showing up in a consistent way, instead of finding them intriguing and enjoying the ‘chase’.
I began feeling more genuine and deep respect for the masculine. I noticed how much safer men (everyone) felt when they were around me. I began breaking away from thinking femininity is being a ‘good/ nice’ girl, and I learnt how to bring his masculine energy out more (leader, problem solver) instead of emasculating.
To manifest from this place of feminine energy, instead of the ‘doing’ masculine is alchemical and magic! It feels easier, more natural, less effort and magical!
3 decades of being in the wrong energy is a big ship to turn around! and I have to practice every day (on everybody!) But I can say that it is honestly been the single most life-changing wisdom for my relationships and I know that there is so much more to learn. That this is just the tip of the iceberg. So this is why I am writing this today, at the beginning of my journey to share what I’ve been learning with the world and hope that you can also benefit from what I share.
Let’s walk this journey of complete and beautiful female-embodiment together!
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