Healing Before Relationship: The Masculine Trap of 'Never Healed Enough' Thinking"

I spent years believing I needed to be completely "healed" before I could truly be ready for partnership. It wasn't that I avoided relationships entirely—I dated, made connections, even pursued love. But deep within me lived a persistent belief that I was still too broken, too unhealed to truly deserve or sustain the partnership I craved. Looking back, I can see how this belief—though well-intentioned—actually kept me from experiencing the very connection I desired.

The "Never Healed Enough" Paradox

On the surface, I appeared open to love and partnership. I showed up, I engaged, I tried. To anyone watching, I seemed ready and willing to find love. But inside, a different story was unfolding—one where I was perpetually "in progress," forever working on myself, and never quite "finished" enough for the deep connection I yearned for.

The spiritual community had taught me well: "Heal yourself first," "Do your inner work," "Clear your wounds before bringing them into relationship." These messages had transformed in my mind from helpful guidance into rigid prerequisites that I could never quite fulfill.

Why Healing Before Relationship Is a Masculine Trap

What I didn't recognise then was how masculine my approach to healing had become. I threw myself into self-development with the same energy a CEO might tackle a business problem. I journaled, attended workshops, and did the inner work, but I approached my spiritual practices with a methodical masculine energy, putting immense pressure on myself to achieve healing as if it were a project to complete.

I created healing to-do lists. I measured progress. I set timelines and goals. I analyzed and strategized my way through trauma work. I approached my wounds with the attitude of "fix this, then move on to the next issue." Each new insight or trigger became another item on my spiritual checklist—another reason I wasn't "ready" yet.

This created a confusing split: externally engaging with potential partners while internally believing I wasn't yet worthy of the depth of connection I craved. This inner narrative sabotaged connections before they could flourish – not because I didn't want them, but because deep down, I believed I wasn't healed enough to have them. What I didn't realise then was that feminine energy was the missing piece of my own healing puzzle.

When "Doing the Work" Becomes Another Form of Control

The spiritual community reinforced to me that I have to "love myself first" and "I attract what I am." While these concepts hold truth to me, I took them to an extreme. I believed I needed to be perfectly healed, completely self-sufficient, and perpetually blissful before I could "earn" the right to partnership.

What I didn't realise was that this mindset was keeping me stuck in masculine energy. I was constantly doing, achieving, fixing, controlling—all in the name of "preparation" for love. The irony? This very preparation was preventing me from embodying the feminine essence that naturally attracts and sustains deep partnership. I ended up attracting men who mirrored this deep belief I had inside myself.

Perhaps the most painful part was the guilt. I felt ashamed of wanting partnership while still feeling so "unhealed." Each failed connection only reinforced my belief that I needed more work, more healing, more preparation before I could truly receive love. I questioned whether my yearning for connection while still having wounds meant I was codependent, irresponsible, or setting myself up for failure.

The Turning Point: From Masculine to Feminine Healing

It wasn't until I discovered feminine energy work that I began to see the fallacy in this thinking. Yes, personal growth is important, but waiting to be "perfectly healed" before allowing love in is like waiting to be perfectly fit before going to the gym. Growth happens through relationship, not despite it.

I realised that true healing isn't a linear project to complete. It's cyclical, flowing, and often happens in the context of connection rather than in isolation. The feminine approach to healing embraces:

• Receiving support rather than doing everything alone

• Flowing with emotions rather than "fixing" them

• Being present with wounds rather than battling them

• Trusting the process rather than controlling the outcome

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I came to understand that my project-based approach to spirituality was actually another form of the masculine control I was trying to heal from. By trying to "perfect" myself before love, I was denying myself the very container in which much healing naturally occurs.

Our healing journey

Moving Beyond the "Readiness" Myth

The connection with the Divine Feminine is teaching me that:

• There is no finish line in healing—it's a lifelong journey

• Partnership can be a powerful container for growth, not just a reward for it

• Our wounds are often the doorways to our deepest connections

• Vulnerability and imperfection are pathways to intimacy, not barriers

• We don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love

  
  

In my relationship I see now that there was likely some 'trauma bond' attachment and attraction going on during the beginning 'honeymoon' phase. Instead of feeling guilty for this I now see the potential in it. I once told a therapist friend of mine 'our triggers are incompatible, we send each other on a downward spiral'. She reframed this for me: 'that sounds like compatible triggers!' she said. 'You have been brought together to heal these deep wounds.' And this is what we are doing. Every single day.

I feel extremely lucky that I have someone with whom I can go on this journey instead of going it alone. Being single was so easy! No one triggering me! But I have always said 'I don't want an easy life, I want a fulfilling one'.

Today, I understand that new age spirituality, while offering valuable wisdom, can sometimes promote a masculine, achievement-oriented 'never quite enough' approach to healing that creates unrealistic standards of "readiness" before partnership.

Embracing the Unfinished Journey

True feminine healing isn't about perfecting yourself before allowing love in—it's about being willing to show up authentically, wounds and all. It's about recognizing that sometimes, the deepest healing happens within relationship, not before it.

I no longer feel that I need to reach some mythical state of complete healing before I deserve love. I've learned that this "never ready" belief is just another form of control—a way to protect myself from the vulnerability of being seen in my imperfection.

Thanks for reading, see you next time.

Laura x

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