From Triggers to Transformation: Inner Child Healing in Relationships

This past week, I attended a tantra retreat—a deeply transformative experience that pushed me far out of my comfort zone. It was a full-on schedule: three 3-hour sessions per day, early morning practices, and little downtime. For someone like me who cherishes slow mornings, personal space, and the ability to eat and rest on my own terms, this was a shock to my system. Add to that spending 24/7 with my partner Jean Hugues in this intense environment, and by day three, my inner child was fully in the driver’s seat!

What does that mean? My inner girl—the part of me that holds unresolved childhood wounds, unmet needs, and old fears—was running the show. Every little thing became a trigger. Without the space and time I usually take to calm myself, I found it harder and harder to recover. Each small issue felt magnified, and Jean Hugues and I began triggering each other constantly. It felt like a spiral we couldn’t escape.

The Confrontation with My Inner Child

At one point, I wanted to run. That’s my go-to reaction when things feel overwhelming—create space, retreat, and soothe myself. But the facilitator of the retreat encouraged me to stay. She shared that the retreat was intentionally designed to bring these moments to the surface. By staying in the space, with the group, and with my partner, I could face what I was feeling instead of escaping it.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. To sit with my discomfort, to feel my inner girl’s pain and shame, and to resist the urge to flee. But I stayed. I stayed in the room, in the group, and in my relationship. I leaned into the support around me, even when my mind told me it was too much.

The Power of Being Held

Something magical happened when I chose to stay. By the final day of the retreat, Jean Hugues and I were floating on air—a cloud of love and bliss. We had reached a new level of connection, one I didn’t think was possible. The very thing I wanted to avoid—sitting in the discomfort and being witnessed—was what allowed us to break through old patterns and reach deeper intimacy.

What helped me the most during this process was realizing I wasn’t alone. In those moments when my inner girl was at the forefront, shame would creep in. I’d think, "What will they think of me?." But over the course of the retreat, every single couple shared with me that they were grappling with similar struggles. Knowing that others were facing their own inner children—and their own triggers—helped me release the shame and focus on growth.

What Happens When Inner Children Drive the Car

When our inner children take over, we often react from a place of fear, hurt, or unmet needs. It can look like:

- Overreacting to small issues.

- Seeking validation or reassurance.

- Shutting down or avoiding connection.

- Feeling shame for being “too much” or “not enough.”

These reactions aren’t “bad”—they’re signs that a younger part of us is crying out for love and attention.

How to Take Back the Wheel

Here’s what I learned about navigating those moments:

1. Pause and Acknowledge: The first step is recognizing when your inner child is at the wheel. Simply pausing and naming it—“This is my inner child reacting right now”—can create the awareness needed to shift gears.

2. Invite the Adult You In: Gently remind yourself that your adult self is present and capable of holding space for your inner child. This part of you has the tools to respond with love and care rather than react impulsively.

3. Assess the Reality: Take a moment to look around the room and ask yourself: “Are there any actual threats to my safety right now?” This step helps ground you in the present moment and separate the current situation from past wounds.

4. Soothe the Inner Child: Speak to your inner child with compassion. Avoid invalidating their feelings with phrases like “Don’t worry” or “You don't need to feel sad'. Instead, try something like:

   • “It’s completely understandable that you feel angry/anxious right now.”

   • “I see you, and I’m here for you.”

     
     

     This simple act of acknowledgment can create a sense of safety for the part of you that feels vulnerable.

5. Breathe: Use breathwork to calm your nervous system. Slow, deep breaths send signals to your body that it’s safe to relax. If possible, place a hand on your heart or stomach to deepen this connection.

6. Reconnect with Your Partner (If Applicable) In a couple dynamic, see if there’s a small, non-verbal way to reconnect with your partner. Words can sometimes reignite the argument, so instead, try:

   • A gentle touch.

   • Eye contact.

   • Breathing together.

     
     

     These small actions can create a moment of connection and help shift the energy between you.

7. Celebrate Growth: Every time you choose to pause, reflect, and respond rather than react, you’re rewriting old patterns. Celebrate these moments as victories, no matter how small they feel. Each one builds a stronger foundation for love and connection.

Reflections from the Retreat

This experience reminded me that relationships—whether with ourselves or others—are not about avoiding discomfort. They’re about learning to navigate it with grace, compassion, and support. When we allow our inner children to be seen, heard, and held, we create space for healing and deeper connection.

So, the next time your inner child grabs the wheel, ask yourself: "What do they need from me right now?." Instead of resisting, lean in. You might just find that the path through discomfort leads to a love and connection deeper than you ever imagined.

What about you? Have you ever noticed your inner child taking over? How did you navigate it? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 💕

Laura x x

Related post:

Relationship Containment 101: The Foundation of Healthy Masculine-Feminine Dynamics